November 18, 2018

By DAN MACLEOD

According to Friedrich Nietzsche, the 19th century philosopher, everything that happens has happened before and will happen again. This is referred to as eternal recurrence or historic recurrence. I feel, however, that it is our obligation as a dignified species to band together and crush any kind of recurrence of the mullet hairstyle.

It has come to my attention that some of the terminally misguided youths of today are trying to breathe life back into the deservingly dead corpse of the mullet, the most detestably lowbrow phenomenon in fashion history. This is the absolute worst retro revival any fool could have possibly conceived.

Never, and I mean NEVER, has the mullet ever looked good. It doesn’t make a person look intelligent. It doesn’t inspire confidence or respect. It looks like the epitome of white trash and its existence degrades the collective human race.

While a stroll through the Doon campus or a trip to Fairview Mall will reveal the signs of this spreading threat, this outbreak (far worse than cholera or the Spanish flu) seems to have hit the University of Guelph the hardest. “This year, they’re just everywhere,” said U of G student Nicole Veitch “It’s like an epidemic.”

Spending some time amidst the Guelph student scene, I’ve seen that the strongest advocates of this blight on the eyes are Guelph anarchists. Guelph anarchists are not to be confused with actual anarchists (people whose political views revolve around the vision of a world not run by any form of hierarchy). The Guelph anarchists I’ve met are simply lazy, over-privileged twits with the mindsets of toddlers. They don’t have the mental capacity to undertake even the slightest amount of responsibility so they hide behind anarchy as an excuse to avoid the staples of a civilized, grown-up society, such as maintaining basic hygiene, proper disposal of garbage, household chores (i.e. washing dishes), going to school, working for a self-sustaining income, etc.

It is Guelph anarchists who staunchly stand by ill-conceived movements such as growing mullets because they don’t actually understand how activism works. So, instead, they make themselves look like buffoons and call it “overthrowing the conventions of society.”

Unfortunately, like any virus, this plague is evolving and has begun taking new shapes. What I mean is along with the mullet there are also traces of the rat tail hairstyle making a comeback (the mullet’s inbred little brother). If we let this disgusting movement gain any more ground than there won’t be room to draw the line. We’ll see people walking around in neon parachute pants, platform sneakers, trucker hats, mesh muscle shirts, UGG boots and pastel shade track suits, and there won’t be anything we can do to stop them.

Please, people, Nietzsche was a brilliant man but even he can make mistakes; we all do, so let’s try to learn from them. We can make the world a better place if we’d just put a little effort and foresight into keeping history from repeating itself.

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